Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Pity party

When I began this blog it was with the sole intention of tracking my knitting. But I have to talk, to tell someone, and Coco (dear sweet friend who lets me rant without judging) is out of town. So you get to hear...or just page down if you don't want to know....my mother is a selfish, manipulative woman who isn't happy until she's playing one sibling against another. If I say if over and over today maybe this boulder that is sitting on my shoulders will shrink to a pebble.

Is it my fault that my 45 yo sister has joined the Merchant Marines and will be gone for 3 months? Or that she has no money and might end up loosing her house so she moved all of her furniture to my mothers? Or that she quit a job that paid well, had great benefits to go back to a job she had for 10 years that paid $6 without benefits?

Or that a brother borrowed my mothers car and now she doesn't want to ask for it back because "I don't want to bother him. Will you call him for me?"

Sorry mom, I'm not getting involved again. I always end up being the bad guy, this big sister who offers to help and then gets told to mind her own business. Not playing that game ever again. Nope.

Told her that AGAIN last night and of course she cried and asked me why I had to be difficult. Difficult? (The daughter that paid her mortgage, made sure younger brother and sister finished Catholic high school, got younger brother through 5 years of college with as few loans as possible, didn't celebrate a holiday at home for 20 years because it was important for another brother to have all celebrations at his house because the kids needed "traditions" and now the kids are grown I am no longer invited because "it's just too many people at the house" so that leaves me alone with my mother becasue my sister wants no part of being with her, the youngest always makes other plans and the one that now has her car doesn't celecbrate holidays because he changed religion and they don't do that kinds of stuff and the one with the "traditions" doens't want to drive the 4 hours to get her and take her up to his house, and went to every therapy session she wanted to have to "work out our problems". )

So our phone conversations always end up with her crying and me feeling empty and wondering what life will be like when she dies.

That last part has been there for the past year. What will Thanksgiving and Christmas be like when I don't have to hear "it's just not "name holiday here" without your brothers and sister".

So I'm going to compose an email to my 4 siblings telling them that this Christmas it's on them to entertain our mother. Me? I have other plans.

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